I have offically confirmed that no one - absolutely no one - reads my journal. That's actually a relief. i only write these for myself. This entry is way late but who honestly cares! That's the point! no one! ha! This is a good two or three weeks over due i think. SO i'll get started on my ramblings.

Well i think i got my titled mixed around the wrong way, because confessions are what happened first really. The past..while...has been a very rocky slope. There were a lot of actions that needed to be confessed - and a lot of which... are apparently being addressed. I got into one of my down stages, all my arguements with dad weren't helping. I acted a bit rashly but now i'm thanking the stars that i'm still here. Suicide wasn't a way out - i never thoght of it as a way out, but it was a way to hurt everyone around me, and stop my own pain. But after i acted i, for someodd reason, started to finally feel a warmth again. The world wasn't this numb ball of nothingness.

So, after feeling a warmth again, i found i wanted to stay warm. But that meant seeking a way out of the hole i'd been content digging myself in for months if not years. To me it meant seeking help - confessing what i had become and done. And it started simply with my life line, a friend, but then the hardest thing for me. I had to confess it to my father. The confession was so absurd to me, i was laughing as i said it.But - it worked. I felt ligher just knowing he knew what was going on now. Yet it was better - now he and i were going to battle this out together.

Then again there have been other confessions of a totally different nature. But they came from my conclusions. And those conclusions confuse me!

I over time have come to fall in love with someone. And he makes me happier than i have been in a long time. I just love him so much. But - his best mate and i have an unending history, that never got acted upon. But, it unfortanutely never faded - i never had the power to act upon it. So the conclusin flooded over me at one point. i was in love with two best mates. one was always going to get hurt. i'd been shutting away feelings for a good 2 years. And then my confession came. to both of them. i was in love with two people. It must have hurt them - i wish i hadn't.

At least i didn't go unscar'd. In the end i made a decision that as stated above made me ever so happy, but there is a darkness lurking. everytime i look at him i see the other - every thought is linked together. That's what the poem is about "AM I loving the worng man?". It's all based off this whoel thing. all my writing is based trully off my feelings.

But now i'm so confused. I find myself thinking more and more of the one i shouldn't be thinking of. But a relationship wouldn't work - well that's what i tell myself. He's the one who i teel all my secrets, he helps me with my "boy troubles". what happens when the troubles him?

I think i made the right decision. but because it is right it's also wrong. The right decision was no decision.

There is only one other thing confuddling my mind now - exams. so dead for them. i've given up caring.

well i'm late. but its not like anyone reads these anyway.... i'm actaully out by about a week or two. things have been as i say "interesting" but the correct term is down right screwed up.

Things have gotten worse than better, or just improved, or, as in most cases, just got worse. I'm still arguing with dad but we've improved a bit. I like seeing him. But i think he is getting back together with his girlfriend who i hate. but i should be happy for my half sister because if they get back together she'll at least get a pretty normal life. So i'm either going to be selfish and finally tell dad i hate her guts or i'm going to sink into the corner an just paly along. its better for dad if i play along, so i thin i will. Dad deserves to be happy at the very least.

I've got nothing to do wit my spare time - not that there is much but hey. i'm so dead these days. after school all i really do is sleep and work. i've lost my apeitite again. And the doctor thinks i have clinical depression. wow things jut keep getting better. I never have the effort to draw or paint anymore. thats why i haven't posted anything. maybe i'll start up again soon.

I'm about to get my half-yearly report which is going to kill me. that's the books. me attempting to bring my marks up but failing.

I also have to pick my subjects for year 11 and 12 soon. i have no clue what i want to do. none. I am so screwed.

Finally the Bastards. Its really a bastard, not bastards. He's a main reason to my so called "depression". he's always on my mind. I mean nothing to him. But i still love him. But i need to move on, its been 7 months. i finally deleted his number on my phone and anyway i could contact him. it doesn't seem like much but it is to me.

I've been writing a lot of poems about him. although i haven't posted them. i think iw ill do that now actually.

Maybe i'll draw again soon...
maybe

well its been close to a month and all i have done is go around in circles really... at least i feel like i get soemwhere sometimes...

School is really getting stressful, got my half yearlys starting on monday. they just keep giving us work, on top of more work and assignments. Thats why i haven't been drawing that much - i am trying though. I'm really hating all the study i need tot go. i take so many subjects i hate - just can't wait to drop them, it is really going to eb great next year. Things like physical ed and australian geogrpahy - stuff i can't be bothered about.

My dad is trying to stress me out too. all this shit about choosing my subjecst and what i want to do when i leave school. i am trying to think. it isn't my fault i don't know. I haven't been home in a month. its weird. i'm happy about it yet i'm not. Going home can be.....well....it can be and event. dad always on my back, having to actually talk to dad, dealing with the rentor, stuff like that.

Things at school has settle down, only because a girl has basically rallied and used her "influence" to get all the group to act happy. i mean stupid stuff like "happy days" when we all HAVE to beb happy because she says so. It just gets as all more depressed. I've put this wall up from my close friends and moved to others who don't judge me as much. My friend who was really depressed seems to be better, but i'm sure there is something underneath.

She's hiding it away because of the voice and view most of my friends of taken. So many things came up, things i never knew about my friends, and now they have been hidden away so that we don't get the 'guilty' treatment. it is so stupid.

enough about that. um other random updates on life - i broke up with my boyfriend, he was cheating, i went on a diet, i failed some tests, and passed some, i'm moving rooms in a week and yeah....

Drawing wise - i hit a mental blank. i draw stuff but i hate it when its done. now i'm concerntating on school so drawing less, which is affecting me. drawing is what makes me the happiness and i don't get to do it much anymore. I can't think of waht to do. i haven't been taking photos because my camera died. that really upset me. I'm going to try and do more, even if its over this weekend only.

I don't get to go on deviant art as much anymore either.
its all really building up on me.

well well, its been to weeks since i joined!
wow that went fast. thought i should probably write a journal entry soon, so since im bored shitless i'm doing it now.

I think i'll do these monthly - my little rant space. oh but don't worry i'll talk about my doodling too. XD. But i think this time i'm gonna start with whats happening in my little, spastic world.

I am starting to believe deviantart it like an escape. i actually have had an account before - only my friends knew about it and had constant watch on me. This time its different though nobosy knows about it and funnily its a major relief.

I'm always pretending to be this person i'm not. It drives me nuts, somebody is always telling me i'm changing too much or too fast or telling me how i gotta be, but i just want to be who i am! everytime i try to be me somebody tells me to go back how i was. Im not changing! just returning to what i truely am.

I've had a couple spats lately. unfortanutely my friends have taken them to heart. so as one of my deviations suggest (the poem stairwells) i have taken to hiding in the stairwells around school to escape not only my friends but everyone in my year. There is the tryhards. the girls who are trying to put on a nice face but are just in it for gossip. It drives me nuts that because i come from one of the randomer, weirder groups that all the so called 'opular' girls bitch about my friends everytime they get me alone.

I'm having a lot of trouble at the moment. I DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY, EVER. i constantly have the urge to go to sleep and never wake up again. i've just been getting so tired, physically and mentally. it goes back to what i was saying early, i can't put on this face of being happy all the tiem for my friends. or keep up friendships that are totally fuelled by me being someone i am not.

I find that i have been screaming and crying in my sleep - or so my roomates tell me. i wonder why. is it me releasing stress? or is it how i really want to be? why can't i ever cry when i'm awake?

Actually i cried for the first time in ages this morning. I couldn't believe that i'd been so stupid while spacing myslef away from my friends that i hadn't notice one of my friends was going suicidal. how stupid do i get? it almost hurt. almost. what i did find hurtful is that i could cry about how she felt and not how i felt. i've got all this pain inside me yet i can't ever shead one tear about it.

sometimes i seriously think about it. cutting myself that is. i'll never do it but i really do contemplate it. but i know suicide is not the answer, it would hurt too many others around me.

so i found an escape. drawing, writing, being unknown. I heard my friend saw it once, taht deviantart was her escape. i never believed her because i straight away thought about all my friends who were linked to it. but this way it works.

drawing is a major escape of mine. it gets me away from everyone, everything and nobody ever thinks there is something wrong if im drawing. and i can get lost in it. drawing for ages. the only thing that works as well is music. listening to it, because i can't sing for shit. just some songs get to me and i can listen to the beat and lyrics over and over.

now my art: i think i'll be posting more soon. more of my doodles that is. i hope, if any of them ever get finished. i get bored easy. i think i'm going to do more stuff with my name, blood, failing and rainbows. good combo. its so me, actually. not me bleeding but how i feel and stuff that has happened. i keep thinking up concepts but they never turn out how i want.

.... i draw in the shower. thought i'd add that in. on the glass. i like how the picture drips down and smudges and how the steam erases it so easily...

...

I THINK I'LL END MY RANT HERE
more next month. hopefully i will have a better outlook then.