I have offically confirmed that no one - absolutely no one - reads my journal. That's actually a relief. i only write these for myself. This entry is way late but who honestly cares! That's the point! no one! ha! This is a good two or three weeks over due i think. SO i'll get started on my ramblings.

Well i think i got my titled mixed around the wrong way, because confessions are what happened first really. The past..while...has been a very rocky slope. There were a lot of actions that needed to be confessed - and a lot of which... are apparently being addressed. I got into one of my down stages, all my arguements with dad weren't helping. I acted a bit rashly but now i'm thanking the stars that i'm still here. Suicide wasn't a way out - i never thoght of it as a way out, but it was a way to hurt everyone around me, and stop my own pain. But after i acted i, for someodd reason, started to finally feel a warmth again. The world wasn't this numb ball of nothingness.

So, after feeling a warmth again, i found i wanted to stay warm. But that meant seeking a way out of the hole i'd been content digging myself in for months if not years. To me it meant seeking help - confessing what i had become and done. And it started simply with my life line, a friend, but then the hardest thing for me. I had to confess it to my father. The confession was so absurd to me, i was laughing as i said it.But - it worked. I felt ligher just knowing he knew what was going on now. Yet it was better - now he and i were going to battle this out together.

Then again there have been other confessions of a totally different nature. But they came from my conclusions. And those conclusions confuse me!

I over time have come to fall in love with someone. And he makes me happier than i have been in a long time. I just love him so much. But - his best mate and i have an unending history, that never got acted upon. But, it unfortanutely never faded - i never had the power to act upon it. So the conclusin flooded over me at one point. i was in love with two best mates. one was always going to get hurt. i'd been shutting away feelings for a good 2 years. And then my confession came. to both of them. i was in love with two people. It must have hurt them - i wish i hadn't.

At least i didn't go unscar'd. In the end i made a decision that as stated above made me ever so happy, but there is a darkness lurking. everytime i look at him i see the other - every thought is linked together. That's what the poem is about "AM I loving the worng man?". It's all based off this whoel thing. all my writing is based trully off my feelings.

But now i'm so confused. I find myself thinking more and more of the one i shouldn't be thinking of. But a relationship wouldn't work - well that's what i tell myself. He's the one who i teel all my secrets, he helps me with my "boy troubles". what happens when the troubles him?

I think i made the right decision. but because it is right it's also wrong. The right decision was no decision.

There is only one other thing confuddling my mind now - exams. so dead for them. i've given up caring.